two

i wasn't sure where to put this blog. but i think this is the good place.

last night i went to have celebratory mothers day drinks at a local bar. we met a nice guy who sat down, and chatted us up. at one point, my best friend couldn't bring all the drinks by herself. so the bartender had one of the employers help.

it was weird seeing his face after all these years.

when i was 19 i really liked this guy named M. i had been hanging out with his friends and himself for about a year.

the evening the terrible thing had happened, my car had died, and i asked his brother to pick me up and bring me to the party. i think his younger brother had a crush on me, but he was 16 or 17 at the time. i had no interest in younger men.

we had a good night, and at the end of the evening, i wanted to get frisky with M. most the people had left, so we went to his room to do our thing.

i really liked this guy. when people werent around, we had a lot of fun. i didnt intend on having an intense relationship with him, but we had a good sexual energy. its hard to find that.

anyway, so we went to his room to do our thing. we were having a good time, just started easing into the sex; then it happened.

his friend came into the room with a video camera, and had a group of people with him, laughing. i remember seeing the little red light.

i remember M asking me if i wanted to stop, and leave. i smiled and said no lets just finish what we started, and we did.

it was tough because some of the people in that house had been my friends for over a year. they were big strong men, i dont know why they didnt stop the stringy fat little geek boy.

i left the house, walked across the street to the park, and called my friends. i have always looked at them as brothers from this day forward.

they came to get me at 2am, while sobbing in the middle of a dangerous park. they didnt press me to tell them what had happened, but cheered me up.

about 6 months later, one of the guys invited me to a house party. i had a bit to drink at that point, and drove myself, so i was stuck. some of the guys from the night of the video tape incident showed up. they pointed and laughed at me, asking me if i wanted to watch the tape. i told them to eat shit, and to fuck off. i remember sitting on the couch, sobering up, next to some guy who looked pretty shady. he kept asking questions about the lap top, and the owner of the house. i said my friend was the owner, and it was his laptop. as i was siting there, he pulled a gun, stole the laptop, and some swords of something. pistol whipped a girl on the way out, and some other stuff.

i remember sitting there and thinking, "seriously?"

it was st patricks day. thats the luck of the irish there.

anyway, this guy robbed me of my trust, and pride. at least once a year i check youtube to see if the videos been posted. if the statue of limitations hadn't passed, id probably press charges. but id have to prove the tape exists to get a warrant, which would require getting his friends to testify against him.

it hurts, and its humiliating. to think how many people have seen that video, and laughed at me. being treated like a sport.

i dont want to talk about this anymore