one

the woman in me is talkin, but the girl in me just wont shut the fuck up.
srsly.

i've found myself cussing a lot more recently. not sure what thats about.

anyway, i want to talk about relationship problems i have with myself. these are problems i dont share with my partners because i know i am being insane.

for the past 48 i have been aggravated with my primary. this scenario happens often. but im not really mad at him, i'm just trying to pull back into my old ways. where i allow a man to be the central focus of my life and begin neglecting my own. well it aint happening this time, he wouldnt have that anyway.

sometimes i'll be shuffling around the house in the afternoon, kickin stuff on the floor, getting irritated that hes not spending his free time with me. and then i go into this whirlwind of he needs to make an effort, and hes being negligent, etc etc. then i stop myself to re-evaluate that i have seen him in the past 24 hours, and that im being crazy. it is so much work to reprogram your brain. even though i know im being irrational, and i need to just stop, the girl in me is throwing a fit, and the woman in me is telling me to calm down.

even now im still festering. but i know after some sleep, and seeing him at an acceptable time, i'll feel better. IF MEN ONLY KNEW!

im sure with his patience, and my conscious effort to make that change, it will happen. slowly but surely. nlp doesnt happen over night.

maybe i should talk to him about this. adding it to my things to do list now.

anyway, its so weird. taking that step in life. to be accountable for yourself, and hyper aware of your own actions.

i hate that i was programmed the way i was for so many years. i wish i had healthy knowledgeable people in my life growing up so i could of had the emotional maturity to deal with a lot of things as well as i do now.

one person can change the world, using that sixth degree. i plan to do it.

anyway, all this festering got me thinking. obviously, being a mom (although it does take up a majority of my time) isn't enough work for me anymore. i need something to do. im bored, so im attacking my primary (Sorry).

i just put in my 30 days notice at the office, and will be moving it into my house over the next few weeks. i gotta go back to work, i have too much time on my hands, and i'm a very productive person.

i also need to plan more trips over the weekend to see my other partners, and re connect with my old ones i've been neglecting for no good reason at all.

i need to get ready to make the big move. my daughter starts school in 3 years, and i want to be settled in the bay. waldorf for her, seamstressing for me, hopefully a primary there with me, and my secondary family there. i really want to be closer to them.

lots of thinking to do, lots of changing. busy world. gotta hop to it.

i have a vision...