three

i came close to tears today. its hard for me to cry. up till about a year ago i could cry over anything. these days i have to be an emotional wreck to cry. since the decline of my business, i've had to get a job part time waitressing at this local bar. tonight, as i was clearing a table for a group of cocky kids, i almost cried. i feel so jaded by the whole situation. 27$ tips for one night.. its terrible. i made 7 times that a day doing business. i miss that life. i hope it comes back.

im happy with the direction of my vanilla relationship. at the same time its terrifying. i know he's in love --- like IN love, gross disgusting love, and i dont know if im ready for that.

im really happy with the couple i (rarely) see in san francisco; and i just got out of a poly relationship involving 3 people, their two children, AND i was recently divorced. its hard to try and bring another relationship into my life.

although, for the first time in my life, im not feeling relationship retarded.

its nice being a single mom, it grounds me. i cant cut right through mens shit, and have a 0 tolerance for games.

a lot of men dont understand the title of "single mom".

things to remember:

1: i love my kid more then you
2: i dont have time for games
3: i dont have time for drama
4: i dont want you around if you're not going to be around my kid
5: if you are around, you better be a good role model for my kid

consistency is important too. you can't just drop in whenever you want. plus you gotta make plans to ensure a sitter.

i wish i had this strong of morales when i was 15. i'll teach my baby girl.

anyway.. whats new.

theres this guy at this place i work at, his name is A. i like the guy. i've known him for about 9 mos. we talk, gossip, pick on eachother; its cute. today he brought a 17 year old girl by, hes 23. all i can do is shake my head in my mind like he's retarded.
emotionally, financially, and physically he's in great shape. but he's still a young man. i wont make a move. a girl can look though, right?

vanilla boyfriend, my daughter, and i are going on a picnic tomorrow. hopefully i get some cute pics (i will, we're all adorable).