five

So there it is. The last picture of the last day trip with my most recent ex, "C". The irony of this photo is that its one of the only photos taken before the camera died, and its of H & I walking away.

This was probably one of the easiest break ups for me since I was in middle school. Who dates in middle school, right? It was nursery-school dating though. Holding hands, pecks on the cheek, that kind of stuff.

Regardless, it was still a hard break up. I really cared for him, and would of liked to have him a part of H & my life. He would of made a good addition to our tribe. I wanted him to meet the couple I adore in S.F. and I mean, that's sayin' something.

I think he still has some growing up to do. His personal vocabulary consists of me, I, myself, and so on. He's not ready for a single mom, and her daughter.

It's a lot of responsibility, and I respect that. So I walked away.

No hard feelings. I'm sure we're cool.

four

i can not express the amount of love, stress, patience, emotions, restlessness, anger, prayer, sacrifice, and fear that being a single parents brings. pay child support. its the least you guys can do.

three

i came close to tears today. its hard for me to cry. up till about a year ago i could cry over anything. these days i have to be an emotional wreck to cry. since the decline of my business, i've had to get a job part time waitressing at this local bar. tonight, as i was clearing a table for a group of cocky kids, i almost cried. i feel so jaded by the whole situation. 27$ tips for one night.. its terrible. i made 7 times that a day doing business. i miss that life. i hope it comes back.

im happy with the direction of my vanilla relationship. at the same time its terrifying. i know he's in love --- like IN love, gross disgusting love, and i dont know if im ready for that.

im really happy with the couple i (rarely) see in san francisco; and i just got out of a poly relationship involving 3 people, their two children, AND i was recently divorced. its hard to try and bring another relationship into my life.

although, for the first time in my life, im not feeling relationship retarded.

its nice being a single mom, it grounds me. i cant cut right through mens shit, and have a 0 tolerance for games.

a lot of men dont understand the title of "single mom".

things to remember:

1: i love my kid more then you
2: i dont have time for games
3: i dont have time for drama
4: i dont want you around if you're not going to be around my kid
5: if you are around, you better be a good role model for my kid

consistency is important too. you can't just drop in whenever you want. plus you gotta make plans to ensure a sitter.

i wish i had this strong of morales when i was 15. i'll teach my baby girl.

anyway.. whats new.

theres this guy at this place i work at, his name is A. i like the guy. i've known him for about 9 mos. we talk, gossip, pick on eachother; its cute. today he brought a 17 year old girl by, hes 23. all i can do is shake my head in my mind like he's retarded.
emotionally, financially, and physically he's in great shape. but he's still a young man. i wont make a move. a girl can look though, right?

vanilla boyfriend, my daughter, and i are going on a picnic tomorrow. hopefully i get some cute pics (i will, we're all adorable).

two

i wasn't sure where to put this blog. but i think this is the good place.

last night i went to have celebratory mothers day drinks at a local bar. we met a nice guy who sat down, and chatted us up. at one point, my best friend couldn't bring all the drinks by herself. so the bartender had one of the employers help.

it was weird seeing his face after all these years.

when i was 19 i really liked this guy named M. i had been hanging out with his friends and himself for about a year.

the evening the terrible thing had happened, my car had died, and i asked his brother to pick me up and bring me to the party. i think his younger brother had a crush on me, but he was 16 or 17 at the time. i had no interest in younger men.

we had a good night, and at the end of the evening, i wanted to get frisky with M. most the people had left, so we went to his room to do our thing.

i really liked this guy. when people werent around, we had a lot of fun. i didnt intend on having an intense relationship with him, but we had a good sexual energy. its hard to find that.

anyway, so we went to his room to do our thing. we were having a good time, just started easing into the sex; then it happened.

his friend came into the room with a video camera, and had a group of people with him, laughing. i remember seeing the little red light.

i remember M asking me if i wanted to stop, and leave. i smiled and said no lets just finish what we started, and we did.

it was tough because some of the people in that house had been my friends for over a year. they were big strong men, i dont know why they didnt stop the stringy fat little geek boy.

i left the house, walked across the street to the park, and called my friends. i have always looked at them as brothers from this day forward.

they came to get me at 2am, while sobbing in the middle of a dangerous park. they didnt press me to tell them what had happened, but cheered me up.

about 6 months later, one of the guys invited me to a house party. i had a bit to drink at that point, and drove myself, so i was stuck. some of the guys from the night of the video tape incident showed up. they pointed and laughed at me, asking me if i wanted to watch the tape. i told them to eat shit, and to fuck off. i remember sitting on the couch, sobering up, next to some guy who looked pretty shady. he kept asking questions about the lap top, and the owner of the house. i said my friend was the owner, and it was his laptop. as i was siting there, he pulled a gun, stole the laptop, and some swords of something. pistol whipped a girl on the way out, and some other stuff.

i remember sitting there and thinking, "seriously?"

it was st patricks day. thats the luck of the irish there.

anyway, this guy robbed me of my trust, and pride. at least once a year i check youtube to see if the videos been posted. if the statue of limitations hadn't passed, id probably press charges. but id have to prove the tape exists to get a warrant, which would require getting his friends to testify against him.

it hurts, and its humiliating. to think how many people have seen that video, and laughed at me. being treated like a sport.

i dont want to talk about this anymore

one

the woman in me is talkin, but the girl in me just wont shut the fuck up.
srsly.

i've found myself cussing a lot more recently. not sure what thats about.

anyway, i want to talk about relationship problems i have with myself. these are problems i dont share with my partners because i know i am being insane.

for the past 48 i have been aggravated with my primary. this scenario happens often. but im not really mad at him, i'm just trying to pull back into my old ways. where i allow a man to be the central focus of my life and begin neglecting my own. well it aint happening this time, he wouldnt have that anyway.

sometimes i'll be shuffling around the house in the afternoon, kickin stuff on the floor, getting irritated that hes not spending his free time with me. and then i go into this whirlwind of he needs to make an effort, and hes being negligent, etc etc. then i stop myself to re-evaluate that i have seen him in the past 24 hours, and that im being crazy. it is so much work to reprogram your brain. even though i know im being irrational, and i need to just stop, the girl in me is throwing a fit, and the woman in me is telling me to calm down.

even now im still festering. but i know after some sleep, and seeing him at an acceptable time, i'll feel better. IF MEN ONLY KNEW!

im sure with his patience, and my conscious effort to make that change, it will happen. slowly but surely. nlp doesnt happen over night.

maybe i should talk to him about this. adding it to my things to do list now.

anyway, its so weird. taking that step in life. to be accountable for yourself, and hyper aware of your own actions.

i hate that i was programmed the way i was for so many years. i wish i had healthy knowledgeable people in my life growing up so i could of had the emotional maturity to deal with a lot of things as well as i do now.

one person can change the world, using that sixth degree. i plan to do it.

anyway, all this festering got me thinking. obviously, being a mom (although it does take up a majority of my time) isn't enough work for me anymore. i need something to do. im bored, so im attacking my primary (Sorry).

i just put in my 30 days notice at the office, and will be moving it into my house over the next few weeks. i gotta go back to work, i have too much time on my hands, and i'm a very productive person.

i also need to plan more trips over the weekend to see my other partners, and re connect with my old ones i've been neglecting for no good reason at all.

i need to get ready to make the big move. my daughter starts school in 3 years, and i want to be settled in the bay. waldorf for her, seamstressing for me, hopefully a primary there with me, and my secondary family there. i really want to be closer to them.

lots of thinking to do, lots of changing. busy world. gotta hop to it.

i have a vision...

an introduction

i could start by saying that im a 24 year old single mother, with a two year old. but that would barely begin to tap my story.

so instead, i'm going to get everyone caught up with the past 24 years of my life.

i was born 24 years ago to a un traditional middle class american family. my mother was an fob that my father found during his years of service in south korea. he spoke no korean, she spoke no english, then they married. they had a kid 9 mos after being married, shortly after my mother left her entire life behind to move with my father to america. a land of opportunity. two years later, my mother aborted prototype me #1, which was actually a boy. two years later after that, version me #1 was uploaded, processed, and accepted. they were having a baby girl.

i had a fairly normal childhood. with the exception of high a highly emotionally and physically abusive environment, and a sexually oppressive family.

i was a victim of sexual abuse multiple times between the ages of 14-20, then one day said, NO MORE!

at 17 i moved out of my parents house after an extremely abusive altercation with my mother. at 18 i dropped out of school, and enrolled myself into jr college. i worked over the years as a web designer, receptionist, graphic designer, musician, and sign maker. at 18 i met a man who was physically, emotionally, and sexually abusive. i left him after he hit me the first time.

at 20 i met a marine i thought i loved, and married him. turned out i was just trying to escape my abusive family. we had a daughter together, opened our relationship, and somehow he managed to cheat by having sex with a hooker while on a tour in asia.

i returned home, started a successful business, met a polyamorous family that took me in after my family kicked my daughter and i out. lost my business. i fell in love with the husband, wife, boyfriend, and their children. i began to explore my interests in bdsm, kink, and learned about my sexuality in the local community. i maintained an emotionally intense relationship with them until their marriage began failing and i left the relationship.

at the beginning of this year, i moved out of their home, and back into my parents. and now, at 24 years old, i am dating a man who cares for my daughter and i dearly.

its interesting to be aware of the fact that you are not ready to be involved in yet another intense relationship, but choosing to take that risk. meeting him was circumstantial, and id rather explore the relationship then spend the rest of my life wondering what i may had missed.

as much as i'd love to touch on the kink, and other alternative facets of my lifestyle, thats not what this blog is for. if you want to read about my exploration in kink, theres an entire different blog available that you can find in my links.


so there it is. i am a 24 year old single mother, business oriented,polyamorous, kinky, sex positive individual. this blog is about the adventure of raising children within alternative relationships and lifestyles.

a sex positive mom.

enjoy :)